Life and Lessons

I like to think that I have learned a lot about life in the 58 years I have spent on this Earth. Like most of us, my parents taught me most of what I needed to know as I grew up:  the importance of kindness; the personal satisfaction that comes from hard work; and the sore rear end you get when you throw tomatoes at the neighbor’s garage door.  There are some lessons, however, that are best taught by life.  My life — or more accurately, my life over the last twenty years — is a perfect example of one of life’s most important lessons:  the need to accept responsibility for one’s actions.

Back in the late 1990’s, I was divorced.  My ex and I had been married for just over 17 years, which by today’s standards seems like a long time.   We had two wonderful children, a nice house in a nice subdivision, a cat and a dog.  To neighbors and all but our closest friends, we appeared to be the storybook family.  To those who knew us better, we had problems.

If you are hoping the following paragraphs will be detailed descriptions of the breakdown of my marriage and the reasons behind it, you are going to be disappointed.   What I will tell you is that I did some selfish things that resulted in a lot of pain and heartache for my family and my friends.  As a result, my life began to disintegrate right in front of me.  My parents, deeply hurt by the actions of a son they had raised to know better, turned away from me.  A successful and rapidly-growing law partnership was ended, and I found myself in a state of financial ruin shortly thereafter.  Worst of all by far, I could see the hurt in the eyes of my children who were forced to deal with the emotional turmoil that inevitably comes with divorce.  I felt as if I was living a nightmare, but it was a nightmare of my own creation.

Psychologists tell us that it is human nature to rationalize behavior one knows is wrong.  No one likes to face the fact that he has been a selfish jerk.  The problem is that until a person is able to admit his mistakes, it isn’t possible to learn from them.  It took me some time to face up to the way I had lived my life in the years leading up to my divorce, and when I was finally able to do so, I didn’t much like what I saw.  At that point I realized I had a choice to make.  I could continue to try and defend the indefensible, or I could accept responsibility for my past and move forward with a new life.  Not a particularly difficult decision when you think about it.

The first part of that equation was easy.  The second part was more of a challenge.  I had accepted responsibility for what I had done and where I was at that moment in my life, but moving forward would prove to be more difficult.  I wasn’t sure how to climb out of the hole I had dug for myself.  I can still remember the exact moment when the answer came to me.  I was sitting in my doctor’s office waiting to undergo my annual physical, flipping through one of those “How to Make Your Life Better” magazines that are on every table in every doctor’s office in the country, when I came across this passage:   “Life is 10% what happens to you, and 90% how you choose to deal with it.”  In that simple yet powerful thought, I found my answer.  I had a choice.  I could not change my past, but I could change tomorrow, the next day, and the rest of my life.

I had known for months that I had hit rock bottom.  In that moment in my doctor’s office, I decided that I would use rock bottom as the foundation for a new life.  I am still amazed when I look back at how quickly and dramatically my life changed once I accepted responsibility for where I was and how I had gotten there.  My closest friends, at least one of whom called me every single day throughout the nightmare, could see the dramatic change in my outlook.  With the love that only a parent can understand, my Mom and Dad welcomed me back home.  My professional career once again began to prosper, and then — standing there directly in front of me — was the greatest gift I had ever received since the birth of my children:  there was Denise.

I’m not ashamed to admit that every time I think about the moment Denise came into my life as more than a friend, the tears well up in my eyes.  Looking back, it was as if God had decided that I was finally choosing to live my life as I should, and he wanted to make sure I knew he was watching.  So, he gave me Denise.  She knew all there was to know about me and my past, and she loved me anyway.  She showed me the incredible, awesome power of forgiveness, and she reminded me of the need to forgive myself.  Denise and I were married on a beach in 2003, and though our life together in the years since has had its share of bumps (and whose hasn’t??), we have fought through them all with love, understanding, and unshakable commitment to each other.  Denise both saved and completed my life, and though I still feel as if I was unworthy of her love, I am so incredibly grateful to have it.

Eleanor Roosevelt said, “In the long run, we shape our lives and we shape ourselves.  The process never ends until we die.  And the choices we make are ultimately our own responsibility.”  I was particularly struck by the second sentence of that quote.  “The process never ends until we die.”  It made me realize that no matter how far I had traveled down the wrong road, it was never too late to turn around.  So turn around I did.  I committed to being a better father, and I helped my children understand and deal with the fallout of their parents’ divorce.  I was honest with them about what had happened, and I encouraged them both to learn from my mistakes.  I also decided that I needed to seize upon opportunities to give back to my community.  Most recently, that commitment has seen me being asked to serve on the Boards of Directors for the Marshall County Animal Shelter, the Marshall County Animal Rescue League and the Strand Theater Preservation Society, and to serve on the Moundsville Christmas Parade Committee, the Marshall County Schools Pride & Progress Committee, and the Grand Vue Park Foundation Citizens Advisory Board.  I also decided I needed to do more for the welfare of children.  I re-committed to my work as a court-appointed guardian for abused & neglected children, and soon thereafter I was asked to serve on the Boards of Directors for the West Virginia Children’s Advocacy Network (WVCAN) and Harmony House Children’s Advocacy Center.  All of these commitments take up an extraordinary amount of time, but the personal satisfaction I receive from serving makes it all worthwhile.  I feel blessed to have been given the opportunity.  Giving back feels so much better than taking.

As much as I am ashamed of the decisions I made twenty years ago, I am fiercely proud of how I have re-built my life in the years that followed.  Since that moment in my doctor’s office, I have dedicated myself to being the best husband, father, and person that I can be.  As a result, I have been blessed with a wonderful marriage, the best job I have ever had, and an opportunity to pursue a position where I can help to make my home a better and safer place to live, work, and raise a family.  I can’t ask for much more than that.

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